It Can't Be Done

Posted by Allison: 

Father’s Day is a special day for me.  This past Sunday brought with it a lot of emotions, the memories of past Father’s Days and the reality of what God has done. 

I did not grow up knowing my father.  My mother had me when she was 16 and got into a fight with my father just after discovering she became pregnant.  She decided to write him off and they never spoke again.  He never knew about me. 

Father’s Day as a child was difficult. I grew up with my grandmother so Father’s Day functioned as day when it was even more obvious, to me and everyone, that my life was not normal and I was missing something.  When I would express my desire to find my father, the response was a resounding “It can’t be done.” This was not to be harsh; my mother had told everyone she did not know who he was.  Later she confessed to me she knew his name, and that was it. The name Ronald and the year he happened to be at a certain high school was the only clue as to who, or where, my dad may be. I did not even have a photo.

I grew up with “daddy issues.” I grew up with the overwhelming desire to hear my father tell me that he loved me, that he was proud, and that I was pretty.  Regardless of whether or not someone knows their father, many women live with these desires unfulfilled. 

I found my dad. 

Meeting My Dad

By 21 years old I had moved from Arizona, where my dad was known to be, to Kentucky. I was putting myself through college and money was tight. I was not any closer to finding him. Hours searching the phonebook as a kid and calling tarot card readers (yeah, Cleo did not know where my dad was), turned into hours searching Facebook and Googling names.  He could be anywhere.

Finally, I was done.  I prayed. It was a prayer I had prayed before, many times, but this time it was final.  “God, I am okay with it. If I never meet my dad, I am okay.  But, I am tired of looking, tired of hoping. If it was ever a part of your will, I ask that something happens today, but I am not doing anything else.”

I searched for private investigators that night, something I had done before.  I called the first one I saw, told them my story, and resigned that if she was not helping me that I was done looking.  The miracle that unfolded is a lot to go into. Short version is, she had just started her business, I was her first call, she decided to do it for free (I did not ask), after days and weeks of searching her last stop was the DMV, my father’s information had been updated there just the day before.  Had anything happened differently, had she been there the day earlier, I would not have met him.

A few days before Father’s Day, I got a text from my dad, it was his son’s 18th birthday. “Hello, so today your brother became a man. I would hope to think that he turns out as well as his sister. Work ethic, able to study and not afraid to go after what you want. Your caring heart. Your love for god and your family. If my son turns out to take on these qualities from his sister I would be very proud of him. As I'm very proud of you Allison my wonderful daughter. I love you very much.”

As I read his message I remembered a day when I was young. I was in my backyard, and I was thinking about my dad, what he may look like and who he may be.  I prayed, I asked that one day, even if I was all grown up, I would hear him say he loves me, even though I knew it couldn’t be done.

Today there are a lot of things that seem impossible.  My husband and I are at a crossroads with the business.  Our desire is to run the business, to buy land, and to fill our home full of foster children that need love, the way I needed love.  We are growing to the point where we need a shop, not that our current shop in a hay loft is not wildly romantic.  Yet, as we add up the numbers and we look at our options, it seems as though it can’t be done.  Even so, we will hang on to this reality, because we have seen it before, sometimes can’t be done becomes done.